New Music: 'Fine'
Woof woof!!
29.12.10
26.12.10
Books to read and review
Not sure if piling a large amount to books (especially if some of them are self-help) is a good idea. That's the last thing my personality needs: a ton of information in a short amount of time. However, they are all pretty different topics, for the most part.
The book list is as follows (not necessarily in the order I'm going to read them):
Omnivore's Dilemma
Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
The Four Agreements
How to Win Friends and Influence People
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Lincoln's Melancholy...
Listening to Depression...
I had to throw a book for pleasure in there, it's a pretty intense list, though I think I can handle it. Though, the book for pleasure is about Autism....so....yeah. :)
The book list is as follows (not necessarily in the order I'm going to read them):
Omnivore's Dilemma
Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
The Four Agreements
How to Win Friends and Influence People
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Lincoln's Melancholy...
Listening to Depression...
I had to throw a book for pleasure in there, it's a pretty intense list, though I think I can handle it. Though, the book for pleasure is about Autism....so....yeah. :)
23.12.10
Darkness Visible -- William Styron
A BRILLIANT work by William Styron, author of Sophie's Choice, and winner of many literary honors, about his descent into Depression. An absolutely phenomenal book, I felt I was reading my own life at times. This book was the like-minded friend I never had. Every page was so deep and as profound a look than I have ever read. His depiction of depression was so spot on, and the very fact that this disease is so indescribable for many makes this literary feat all the more impressive.
The book takes place from Styron's memory of his time in Paris in 1985. He was accepting an award, the Prix Mondial Cinco del Duca, when the worst of his depression set in. He recounts the mental breakdown through the 84 page memoir, as well as recounting the suicides of friends near and dear to him.
His imagery has hit the mark in describing a depressive state of mind: "Of the many dreadful manifestations of the disease, both physical and psychological, a sense of self-hatred --or, put less categorically, a failure of self-esteem--is one of the most universally experienced symptoms, and I had suffered more and more from a general feeling of worthlessness as the malady had progressed."
The insights into his own condition gives the reader a sense of understanding about this illusive illness: it is as if they were Styron themselves, figuring it out for the first time. It is a dark piece of literature exploring the the symptoms, causes, and what it means to terminate one's own life, from the standpoint of others as well as from the mind of a depressive state. This book approaches the topic of suicide in a poetic and empathetic standpoint, while maintaining the seriousness and finality of the act. But the book makes no judgments as to the morality of the act. As Styron probes: whether we choose to live or to die is the ultimate of philosophical questions.
Every page is riddled with incredibly profound insights about an illness which effects so many people in the world and America. It is sad to think that it still carries the shame and unimportance that it does, especially next to more socially significant illnesses and diseases such as Cancer and Diabetes, which as Styron points out, have (in the case of Diabetes) things one can do to immediate solve the imbalance of chemicals. The pain of Depression is not as easy to target with such immediacy.
This book captivated me from beginning to end and, without intending this next pun, I booked through it. Every word was food, and I was starving. Depression seems to effect women a lot more than men, and artists more than non artists, but it seems that throughout history both sexes have suffered at it's terrible hands. It's a must read for anyone having dealt with a depressed person, ever been depressed at one time, or are currently depressed.
This book just blew my mind.
Book Review: '10-10-10' -- Susy Welch
I was given this book as a gift from my aunt as a means to jump start my new life after college, especially in such terrible economic times as these. It is self-help, which I will probably always remain skeptical of (I like it that way) and for good reason. There are too many bad books masquerading as solutions.
This book actually started off as one of those bad self-help books for me, but I wanted to stick with it out of loyalty to my family, plus I had nothing to really lose. Well, as predicted, it steadily progressed downhill from there. But, it came back up, leveled off for a time and then went up a bit to a higher point, where it stopped once the book ended.
This book is almost the epitome of everything I hate about self-help books (and a reason why I am wary of them) it was its own advertisement and basically a book riddled with testimonials. But they were testimonials from the author, not even from others...we just had Suzy to listen to and believe, and from her "writing" I could tell she was one of those annoyingly peppy women that are in great shape because they run all the time in between picking up their perfect little kids from soccer. Ok, I digress... I found all of this very distracting from an overall GOOD idea and premise to write a book.
The idea was this: here's a tool to help you prioritize your life and make good decisions. The formula is a solid one but disguised by a layer of sentimental cure-all type hype. I don't buy those, nor do I think this idea is revolutionary, what's revolutionary about it is its simplicity. You take an issue and analyze the situation (and everything about potential scenarios) in three different time frames: immediate present, a little farther off and The Future (hence: 10-10-10 --10 minutes into the future, 10 months and 10 years).
The potential pitfalls: you might not be honest with yourself about the imagined scenarios; you don't know what you want from life enough to make those decisions; you might not realize a good situation to use it in, until someone points one out (which is WHY she wrote a 200 page book of testimonials, aye...). The AWESOME parts of this book came at the end when she gives you page after page after page of questions to analyze that help you figure out your values in life (in case you aren't immediately aware of them) AND this book is relatively woman-friendly, and talks pretty extensively on issues related to women, some of which other books don't really take the time to go into with such care.
All-in-all: a great idea in a poorly executed book.
It's worth skimming through, and reading mainly the back of the book (that's when I finally got into it and learned to ignore her terrible formula).
20.12.10
(My) Theory and analysis on Depression
Everytime I try to put my finger on what this all is about I come back to just one thing: No one understands. I feel like my own mother is ashamed. I just applied for a job as an advocate for mental health. The company needs to know that you are or have at one time suffered from mental health. So I wrote my cover letter and had my mom look over it. "Well, you don't want to sound like you're TOO depressed." What? Don't sound like I have a mental illness for the people asking if I have one? Don't sound like it's bad? Pretend and hide what you struggle with because then people will hire you? That might be true, but it really rings true for where she's at in all of this.
Bottom line: No one gets it. No one gets what having depression is like. I'm really afraid that I won't find a bf who understands either. I feel that most people who get to know me are overwhelemed by my emotional display. Things are always harder to deal with when you have a 5 foot layer of personal bullshit to get past before you can start to feel just "crappy".
It's a long road and it's difficult. Everything that should just be a "normal" problem ('cause everyone has them) is magnified times 50. No one gets why it's harder and takes longer.
"Why are you disappointed in me? I didn't do anything that bad." I get disappointed easy, it's true. I feel the disappointment harder because I have high expectations. Why? I am not totally sure, but I think it comes from feeling desperate for their to be an easy fix in getting well again and trusting. There's no such thing as a drive thru in the world of 'trust'.
"Why do you pity yourself?"
Do I? Maybe a little, sure...but I can no longer distinguish what is actual "pity" and laziness from feelings of worthlessness and rejection. So I dunno if that is true. It's like they're both holding steel pipes in an obnoxious game of 'red rover'.
"Why do you let these things stop you/keep you down?"
Because rejections are huge boulders in the path to my happiness. It has always been that way. This is the part of the failing system that I don't know how to work around.
"So? keep applying/trying." My favorite. When every rejection or thing that I don't hear back from chips away at my erroding sense of self, it makes it that much harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That every rejection feels a little bit like a tear in the fabric of my sanity, especially when it conflicts with the values I hold dear: independence, autonomy, self-care, love. It drives me mad when i'm not living the life I want to: also gets very depressing. It's hard for someone out-of-practice with "living" to remember what that feels like to keep going, and going strong. Usually I'm just 'holding on'.
In a sense, I get why they do it (why they all say such useless "cheerful" dribble). It's really the only response when someone says something like what depressed people say. I don't know what I would tell a person like me, knowing full well how I'll see it. It's just the answer that says both: I believe in you and I care about you but stop bitching. It's not bitching, it's not self-pity, it's years of shit piled high onto a wheelbarrow that's breaking down. It's the very ideas and coping mechanisms that we hold on to that are proving too much for our laod. It's the inevitable times of loneliness that we internalize to be our fault. Somehow the world is worse with us in it. It's true that it's a selfish illness, but the selfishness is there as a symptom of a larger issue: lack of feeling loved, needed, cared for, desired. Selfishness DERIVES from ill fitted attempts to get the fundamental emotions we need from ourselves and others. It's a passive agressive tool used to manipulate and harm others and ourselves. With Selfishness, nothing is EVER enough.
To analyze one of my hardest-to-comprehend-and-accept parts: Break ups, for all their purpose, honest intentions and good causes, are the salt in this huge wound I call: selfishness of blame. They reaffirm everything we earnestly believe about ourselves. It's not all about us, but we believe it is. Our cognition has not developed beyond the point of earnest recognition. It is therefore typical that all the good that happens is not because we did it, but all the bad is because we saw the crime "go down". It is more than improving self esteem, it's changing the way we think...about ourselves, about everything in the past, present and future. And most importantly, about other people. It's finding a new way to change with the tides, if you will.
It makes no sense. I don't even know if I believe what I just wrote, though I know there's truth in it. This is because even that all stems from the same belief I hold which is that: we are the cause, we are the solution. And while I think that this is legitimate, sometimes it does not make up for the fact that there is an honest-to-god flaw in the design.
Given those two options, and being not very sure which one is me, how would you recomment I proceed?
What if, parents, friends and lovers, there was nothing to be ashamed about? Someone who understood what it is like not to want to get up in the morning, and on more than just the occasional Monday? What would those people say to themselves? If you're "normal" you would probably start by identifying the factors causing the worry and then look at options that would fix it all. But what if there was a tiny flaw...like a sratched DVD? If it skips everytime at that one place, how do you know what is there if the scratch won't let you see it? You do your best to make up a story for what might be beyond the scratch, only come to find that you were way off the mark, or maybe right on it?
Would the depressed person then say they are at fault --they scratched the DVD--and it is something just to "get over" or would they say: damn, most of this movie is good there's just that one part that keeps cropping up every once in a while.
To put it another way: I just have this tiny scar that pops up in pictures sometimes, but I usually just get out my Photoshop to fix it later. I don't let the scar stop me from taking pictures, it just requires that I do a little more work to get ready for the picture.
THAT is combatting Depression (on a too simplistic, small scale of course). It's knowing you have a bit more work to do to be happy, and that is what people need to understand about people with this illness: go easy on them. They are doing all they know how to do at the moment. They will get there, it just may take a little longer.
Bottom line: No one gets it. No one gets what having depression is like. I'm really afraid that I won't find a bf who understands either. I feel that most people who get to know me are overwhelemed by my emotional display. Things are always harder to deal with when you have a 5 foot layer of personal bullshit to get past before you can start to feel just "crappy".
It's a long road and it's difficult. Everything that should just be a "normal" problem ('cause everyone has them) is magnified times 50. No one gets why it's harder and takes longer.
"Why are you disappointed in me? I didn't do anything that bad." I get disappointed easy, it's true. I feel the disappointment harder because I have high expectations. Why? I am not totally sure, but I think it comes from feeling desperate for their to be an easy fix in getting well again and trusting. There's no such thing as a drive thru in the world of 'trust'.
"Why do you pity yourself?"
Do I? Maybe a little, sure...but I can no longer distinguish what is actual "pity" and laziness from feelings of worthlessness and rejection. So I dunno if that is true. It's like they're both holding steel pipes in an obnoxious game of 'red rover'.
"Why do you let these things stop you/keep you down?"
Because rejections are huge boulders in the path to my happiness. It has always been that way. This is the part of the failing system that I don't know how to work around.
"So? keep applying/trying." My favorite. When every rejection or thing that I don't hear back from chips away at my erroding sense of self, it makes it that much harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel. That every rejection feels a little bit like a tear in the fabric of my sanity, especially when it conflicts with the values I hold dear: independence, autonomy, self-care, love. It drives me mad when i'm not living the life I want to: also gets very depressing. It's hard for someone out-of-practice with "living" to remember what that feels like to keep going, and going strong. Usually I'm just 'holding on'.
In a sense, I get why they do it (why they all say such useless "cheerful" dribble). It's really the only response when someone says something like what depressed people say. I don't know what I would tell a person like me, knowing full well how I'll see it. It's just the answer that says both: I believe in you and I care about you but stop bitching. It's not bitching, it's not self-pity, it's years of shit piled high onto a wheelbarrow that's breaking down. It's the very ideas and coping mechanisms that we hold on to that are proving too much for our laod. It's the inevitable times of loneliness that we internalize to be our fault. Somehow the world is worse with us in it. It's true that it's a selfish illness, but the selfishness is there as a symptom of a larger issue: lack of feeling loved, needed, cared for, desired. Selfishness DERIVES from ill fitted attempts to get the fundamental emotions we need from ourselves and others. It's a passive agressive tool used to manipulate and harm others and ourselves. With Selfishness, nothing is EVER enough.
To analyze one of my hardest-to-comprehend-and-accept parts: Break ups, for all their purpose, honest intentions and good causes, are the salt in this huge wound I call: selfishness of blame. They reaffirm everything we earnestly believe about ourselves. It's not all about us, but we believe it is. Our cognition has not developed beyond the point of earnest recognition. It is therefore typical that all the good that happens is not because we did it, but all the bad is because we saw the crime "go down". It is more than improving self esteem, it's changing the way we think...about ourselves, about everything in the past, present and future. And most importantly, about other people. It's finding a new way to change with the tides, if you will.
It makes no sense. I don't even know if I believe what I just wrote, though I know there's truth in it. This is because even that all stems from the same belief I hold which is that: we are the cause, we are the solution. And while I think that this is legitimate, sometimes it does not make up for the fact that there is an honest-to-god flaw in the design.
Given those two options, and being not very sure which one is me, how would you recomment I proceed?
What if, parents, friends and lovers, there was nothing to be ashamed about? Someone who understood what it is like not to want to get up in the morning, and on more than just the occasional Monday? What would those people say to themselves? If you're "normal" you would probably start by identifying the factors causing the worry and then look at options that would fix it all. But what if there was a tiny flaw...like a sratched DVD? If it skips everytime at that one place, how do you know what is there if the scratch won't let you see it? You do your best to make up a story for what might be beyond the scratch, only come to find that you were way off the mark, or maybe right on it?
Would the depressed person then say they are at fault --they scratched the DVD--and it is something just to "get over" or would they say: damn, most of this movie is good there's just that one part that keeps cropping up every once in a while.
To put it another way: I just have this tiny scar that pops up in pictures sometimes, but I usually just get out my Photoshop to fix it later. I don't let the scar stop me from taking pictures, it just requires that I do a little more work to get ready for the picture.
THAT is combatting Depression (on a too simplistic, small scale of course). It's knowing you have a bit more work to do to be happy, and that is what people need to understand about people with this illness: go easy on them. They are doing all they know how to do at the moment. They will get there, it just may take a little longer.
12.12.10
Bored. Hmmmm....
Heh...sitting here....oh so bored. Sunday night... Yes... Sunday night. Just finished packing with the help of my girls! Such wonderful people they are!! They all came just to help me pack up and clean! AWE!! :) So frickin lucky to have the friends that I do!!
God...tonight is a real high! But...BOOO!! They have finals to study for. So, now I am bored.
Can't wait to finish my song. It's amazing! I love it so much! Ana and Christine wound up singing it a little bit when we were at In-n-out! Score!!
:)
Planning an acoustic version, which is going to be f'ing TIGHT! Along with the version we have already that needs fine-tuning!! :)
C'est la vie!!
God...tonight is a real high! But...BOOO!! They have finals to study for. So, now I am bored.
Can't wait to finish my song. It's amazing! I love it so much! Ana and Christine wound up singing it a little bit when we were at In-n-out! Score!!
:)
Planning an acoustic version, which is going to be f'ing TIGHT! Along with the version we have already that needs fine-tuning!! :)
C'est la vie!!
I guess I've never thought of it like that
I've been reading a book my aunt gave me; it's a self-help book (most of them I abhor) and this one is borderline ridiculous, but I'm giving it a shot. It DOES have some good points though. The author is, of course, from Portland (thanks, Debbie) haha! And talks extensively about it. Which by the way, reminds me that the guy I'm interning with has family in Forest Grove...what a small f'ing world... it was fun to talk about it though, and I actually could bc of Kyle and his family!
One of the good points that I've actually found a little solace in is that people value different things. It's not revolutionary, but not something that was ever at the forefront of my thoughts. I kept imagining that people have kind of the same ideals as each other. It's like the quote: 'When God hates the same people you do, it's fair to say you've created Him in your own image.'
After much whining and bargaining (the 2 of the 5 stages of grief) I've determined that I didn't communicate my values very well. I did at the beginning, but when they changed, as I thought the might, I never said a word. Yay! I also didn't think that maybe a relationship was not the most important thing to Kyle at that time either. Our relationship was SIGNIFICANT to him, but ultimately maybe not what he wanted to invest his time into long term.
In light of the confusion of emotions, I do think this situation is good for me. It's good regardless of my feelings in the present. The future looks bright (the LONG away future that is). I am single and can do whatever the hell I want. I look forward to going to Germany to see Ana, Christine and Sarah! I'm going to miss Ana so much! But It's nice to have people you know there!! Sarah said I could drive her car on the autobon!! eee!
haha!
One of the good points that I've actually found a little solace in is that people value different things. It's not revolutionary, but not something that was ever at the forefront of my thoughts. I kept imagining that people have kind of the same ideals as each other. It's like the quote: 'When God hates the same people you do, it's fair to say you've created Him in your own image.'
After much whining and bargaining (the 2 of the 5 stages of grief) I've determined that I didn't communicate my values very well. I did at the beginning, but when they changed, as I thought the might, I never said a word. Yay! I also didn't think that maybe a relationship was not the most important thing to Kyle at that time either. Our relationship was SIGNIFICANT to him, but ultimately maybe not what he wanted to invest his time into long term.
In light of the confusion of emotions, I do think this situation is good for me. It's good regardless of my feelings in the present. The future looks bright (the LONG away future that is). I am single and can do whatever the hell I want. I look forward to going to Germany to see Ana, Christine and Sarah! I'm going to miss Ana so much! But It's nice to have people you know there!! Sarah said I could drive her car on the autobon!! eee!
haha!
8.12.10
Just wrote a poem about Blackholes. Great idea! Clever rhyming, but yeah it sucked. haha! Oh, me.
This is the only part I liked and even then I think that it is lame... heh
"A shadowy sphere so grim, so silent--
An Event Horizon, though you cannot look to find it.
Its density so great, you won’t keep in form…
Though onto the other side of it we’re borne."
Ok, it's because of this article that I wrote it:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/04/100409-black-holes-alternate-universe-multiverse-einstein-wormholes/
Damn... I get the weirdest inspirations.
Just thought of a potentially AWESOME song too, but my guitar skills are not really advanced enough to make it how I want it to sound. I might run it by Will to see if he can help. He's an amazing player.
This is the only part I liked and even then I think that it is lame... heh
"A shadowy sphere so grim, so silent--
An Event Horizon, though you cannot look to find it.
Its density so great, you won’t keep in form…
Though onto the other side of it we’re borne."
Ok, it's because of this article that I wrote it:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/04/100409-black-holes-alternate-universe-multiverse-einstein-wormholes/
Damn... I get the weirdest inspirations.
Just thought of a potentially AWESOME song too, but my guitar skills are not really advanced enough to make it how I want it to sound. I might run it by Will to see if he can help. He's an amazing player.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)